Dear introvert and shy friend – what you need to know about the vulnerability of extraverts to feel better about yourself
The other day I spoke to a dear friend – he is shy, introvert – an amazing person that im happy to have had in my life always. He shared how awful it feels at parties when people after a while leaves for the toilet and don’t come back – no matter how hard he tries he doesn’t seem to feel as though he has anything to offer.
He does – he has a great personality – he often sits and says little or nothing at parties. He is such a nice man who wishes the best for everyone, he listens, he hears the stories people share – he doesn’t fill his mind with what interesting story he could tell as many extraverts do who forget to listen or simply listen to be able to tell a better story afterwards. When in a safe environment my friend talks and has interesting thoughts, feeling and things to say.
Introverts make the energy balance to extraverts – imagine if no one listened to the extravert. He or she would be very low in energy and his self-esteem would go low and he would start to feel very insecure. He would loose his energy, loose his magic – extraverts often feeds of the energy transmitted by the introverts. Visa versa – introverts feeds on the energy transmitted by the stories and lively energy of extravert.
That is what happens when extraverts are suddenly faced alone with introverts and shy people. When there is a mix of introverts to listen and extraverts to loudly laugh, discuss and confirm what the extravert is talking about (mirror the energy transmitted by the extravert) – the extravert is assured all is well, that they are good enough, that they have a reason to exist.
The extravert feels awkward when not reassured. When alone with an introvert, that laughs discretely, listens and not necessarily needs or dares to say something – then the extravert is not reassured, not fed with energy, not knowing whether he/she is good enough… The extravert feels awkward – not thinking the introvert is awkward. Suddenly the insecurity and vulnerability is feeding one another and both party feel insecure. The extravert try to run away from that awkward feeling not to be good at talking to the person in front of him/her. He starts to feel not good enough.
Yes, there are people in this world who are not nice – but they are not nice to extraverts either. So dear introvert please do not take it personally if they make an arrogant gesture. Most of the time it is actually people with a very low self-esteem yet a high self-confidence – they need to push the responsibility away, then they need the story, the blaming that it is the other people that is wrong not themselves.
Extraverts need to learn that with no introverts there would be no balance in the world, no one would listen, no one would fill up those chairs of ‘audience’ to their many stories and need to interact and to share the center of attention. Extraverts would benefit a lot from inviting the introvert to join when going to find more extravert people to interact with.
Actually what would assist both parties is to learn how to stand strong in own energies, to breathe and to connect on a deeper level than at the surface. I know it starts simple, yet starting to breath deeply, and allowing your breath to balance your energies, to make you feel at peace, feel strong and to feel that you are able to connect with people at an energetic level, at soul level. You suddenly sense the purpose of your own and the other persons reason for being right there at the right moment and you benefit from meeting one another.
Introverts you do have lots to offer – when you finally are asked a question you might give the most valuable response all night …or you might say ‘I don’t know’ – but extravert would see wonders by waiting an extra second and you will start to share. Extraverts having the extra patience makes introverts feel safe and welcome. Remember, introverts spent all their energy listening to extraverts, so they didn’t have time to consider what their opinion is, and they are not used to being asked. It doesn’t mean that they do not have an opinion.
Dear introvert, don’t believe that extraverts necessarily feel better about themselves or are better people than you. Extraverts also need help to converse, to feel valuable, to feel heard and understood. Should the conversation stops and you are at a party or network event – dare to with an encouraging smile propose to the extravert “come, lets find some fun and interesting people” or “lets powder our nose and then go find some new, nice and interesting people to talk to”. Then you are in the game not feeling outside the game and you help them by inviting some extraverts into your conversation so the extravert feel reassured again.
The smart and nice people see you and recognize you. And they are the only ones you want to be in the company of anyways. You are the strong one – you don’t need the attention.
Know that you matter – you are a treasure!
Best of energies,
Christel Rosenkilde Christensen
(I am strictly writing the above from my own observation and work with energy. I know I am generalizing – I could write a whole book on this topic and the energy of extraverts and introverts and how we would have a better world if we all took and extra moment to understand each other – this is not only between introverts and extraverts. In my daily work with the elite world of business, politics, sports etc I meet many introverts. In the board room it is not always the one that shouts the most that has the most world changing views. So if you are an introvert leader the above article can also show you how to support and help your extraverts coexist and cooperate with introverts without loosing their self-confidence and build a strong team.)
Suggestions: Meditation helps you feel more balanced and secure about yourself. Also reading the book Personal Power through Awareness by Sanaya Roman makes you understand your own personal power and give you example on how you with energy and visualization can change the energy between you and other people. You can also read my book The Treasure: How to Change the World. The book does not talk about insecurity nor shyness however it suggests way to manage and to change energy in situations, places, and in relations to achieve a given goal for good of everyone involved. it could give you some inspiration to how to optimize your own energies in your work-life as much as your personal life – to stand strong and to be everything that you are to create a ripple effect and co-create a better world. You can also download my guided meditation: “The Treasure: A guided Meditative Journey” on iTunes Store.
I myself loves to network, to be in conversation, to listen and to observe: